


Cross My Mind

by KatsInSpace



Series: PDA [3]
Category: Mianite - Fandom, Minecraft - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, M/M, Makeup, Partner fic to goodbye, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 14:05:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16834108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatsInSpace/pseuds/KatsInSpace
Summary: Everything’s been amazing those past few years, they work great together. Life is practically perfect for him…. except, one phone call from Jordan has his life crashing down around him.





	Cross My Mind

**Author's Note:**

> tom pov of Goodbye. Title from Cross My Mind by ARIZONA  
> Sooo, I just realized it’s Karl and not Kyle… oops

He loved life.

Tom was comfortably settled in this constantly changing routine of his. He got to see the world, play his favorite hobby - video games - as his job, and he got to make people smile. 

And best of all? He had Jordan, one of the only constants and the love of his life. Jordan was  _ it _ for him, and he knew it. They worked extremely well together, he understood his lifestyle, they were both able to pursue what they wanted and were easily able to get back to their routines, even months after not seeing each other in person. Jordan was simply amazing.

And  _ god _ did he love him, Jordan is practically everything to him.

The phone calls were the best part of his day. 

“I’m almost finished with another song-”

Their conversations may have seemed pretty mundane to most other people, but to Tom, they were the most interesting thing in the world. He hung onto each word, listening as Jordan spoke.

“Yeah? Is it an original or a remix?”

“Original,” he tells him. “I’m just working out some kinks first and I’ll get it uploaded.”

“Okay,” he says somewhat seriously, but also half joking. “But the more important question is,” he paused. “ _ Can _ I get a sneak peak?” He asked with a serious tone. 

Jordan let out a laugh. “Come on Tom, you know you have to wait like everyone else.”

“Aw man. So no boyfriend privileges in getting to listen first?”

“Nope. Maybe make some music of your own and let me listen first, and only  _ then _ you can.”

“Darn.” Tom loved having these conversations with him. Any little time he had with him, either be in person or over the phone, he treasured it all. “Hey Jordan?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Yes, it certainly  _ is _ the best part of the day for him.

“And no, you still can’t listen first.”

“Damn.”

-.-

“Thomas Cassell?”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“Your order is ready. Come by anytime during store hours to come pick it up.”

Tom grinned, feeling both anxious and excited. “Thank you so much!”

-.-

Tom had taken Alice with him to France soon after to go pick it up. 

He was practically on edge the whole time, jittering uneasily as he walked into the store, Alice following behind him. 

“So?” He asked nervously, letting her see it.

Alice gasped, staring in awe. “Tom! It’s  _ gorgeous! _ He’s going to love this, I know it!”

That let some of his worries go away. “Really? You think so? I know he isn’t a jewelry kind of guy, so I was a bit worried that I was going overboard.”

“ _ No, _ you are  _ not! _ ” She reassures him. “He’ll love it, I know he will. Besides, I think he’ll care more about what you’ll say and what it represents rather than what it looks like.”

“Yeah?” He said with a grin.

“Yeah.”

-.-

Tom grinned. He couldn’t stop staring at it. He kept thinking about how it will change their future, about what it’d be like with him.

Life was just getting better and better for him. 

And soon, he’s going to be able to call Jordan his for real. 

-.-

Tom had decided that he was going to do it during New Years, when it was just the two of them like usual. It’d be the perfect time to do it.

He breathes out, happiness practically seeping out of him.

“You’ve been damn happy lately,” Karl commented before taking another sip of his beer. “It's weird.” He paused. “But a good weird.” 

Tom grinned. “I just love life, y’know? It’s god damn amazing.”

Karl stared at him weirdly before glancing to the side and taking another drink of his beer. “Alright,” he mumbled into his drink with a shrug. “Jordan coming to visit or something?”

“Something like that,” he beamed.

-.-

Ever since France, he’d been planning out what he was going to say to him. He probably had several bags of discarded paper in his trash can alone. 

He’d pace back and forth, saying it aloud, trying to see if it flowed well and sounded good. 

Tom had been in the middle of saying it aloud to himself, box in hand, when he gets a text message from Jordan. 

Me <\- Jordan <3: Do you have time? I need to talk to you.

Tom grinned, seeing Jordan’s name on the screen. He’d gladly drop anything if it meant talking to Jordan. He taps the call button, holding the phone up to his ear. 

“Hey Jordan,” Tom greeted happily.

“Uh hey Tom,” he said softly.

Tom immediately knew that something was wrong. “Did something happen?” He asked with concern. Tom had always hated it when he had been at the other side of the world, unable to properly do anything when Jordan had been upset over something. 

“I-” Jordan hesitated. “Well, kind of.” He was acting very unlike himself which was worrying him. 

“What is it?”

Jordan took a deep breath. “Tom,” he said with a firm voice, putting fear into him. “I think we should break up, it’s not working out anymore.”

Tom didn’t say anything. He couldn’t believe his ears. Had Jordan really said what he thought he said?

“What?” He spoke softly, hurt in his voice. “What do you mean? I thought it was just fine between us, what happened?” He felt his heart clench. This couldn’t be happening. 

“We’ve been together for over three years-” Tom didn’t understand his reasoning, it made no sense. “-Tom, and lately things have been getting more serious between us-”

“Exactly! So what’s wrong?”

“I know this relationship isn’t going anywhere between us, we both are unwilling to move away from our place-”

Tom felt his world breaking around him. He didn’t want to believe that Jordan was speaking these words, believing that they should just be friends. He thought everything was fine, so what was wrong?

“Then  _ I’ll _ move, just please don’t do this, please Jordan.” He said desperately. Tom didn’t want to let him go.

“That’s my point, Tom,” Jordan argued. “You say that now, but we both know that you’re not going to be happy in the long run-” Tom’s breaths started to become heavy, sounding as if he’s going to break down. “-you’re not the type to be anchored down to one place and I don’t want to be the one to hold you back when you could be doing so many things.”

He felt tears starting to build up. “Jordan,  _ please, _ ” he begged. “I  _ love _ you, don’t do this. You’re not holding me back at all. We can make this work!”

“And I love you too, but we’ve  _ been _ making it work for the past three years. Can’t you see? We’ve been doing the same thing since we started dating, but we just can’t keep doing this forever. Long distance relationships work for some people, but not us.”

“Jordan-” A tear fell. He just couldn’t believe it.

“I’m sorry Tom, but I think we should just be friends.”

Tom choked out a cry, breaking down. He had just lost the most important person in his life. 

Jordan ended the call.

-.-

“Tom? Tom.”

Tom didn’t move from his spot in his bed when he heard his sister’s voice. He barely moved from his bed since hearing Jordan’s phone call.

He felt tears well up again at the thought of him.

“Tom,” she entered his room, speaking gently. “You need to get out of bed eventually.”

He doesn’t say anything, refusing to get out of bed. It hurt too much, just thinking about Jordan. “Just go away, Alice.”

“Tom,” she said with a sigh. “Come on. You can’t just keep moping around in bed.”

“No,” he whined. “Leave me alone Alice.” Tom didn’t have the motivation or energy to do anything. He felt as if all meaning had gone. 

Alice sighed, taking a seat next to him. He felt her rest her hand on his head, ruffling his hair. “Come on Tom,” she urged again. “This isn’t like you. At least go shower, treat yourself to a nice lunch, do  _ something. _ ”

Tom couldn't. How could he just move on or be happy when the person he loved, the person who he was going to propose to, had left him? Jordan had practically been everything, he was his main motivation in life. 

“I loved him, Alice,” Tom mumbled, tears falling. He needed her to understand  _ why _ this was so difficult for him. “He was everything to me.” He took a deep breath. “How can I move on from him when I thought he’d be my future? I was going to  _ propose. _ ” 

Tom had already started to think about their future, he had been  _ sure _ that Jordan was going to say yes. 

She sighs, patting him in comfort. “I know what you were planning on doing Tom, but I hate seeing you like this. You deserve to be happy too. You can’t let him get you down like this.”

“I  _ was _ happy,” Tom leaned into her for comfort. “I was happy with  _ him. _ I just don’t know what to do anymore Alice.”

“Listen Tom,” she said firmly. “I know you don’t like getting drunk, but Karl can come over if you want, help you forget for one night. He’ll make sure you won’t do anything stupid, and starting tomorrow, we’ll help you get over him. Sound good?”

Tom never got drunk, despite how much he drank, he never went overboard. But now? It was very tempting.

“If you think it’ll help me.”

“I’ll call him right now.”

-.-

Karl started him off strong. He hated that he was doing this to get drunk but he just wanted to forget his heartbreak for at least one night. Drinking wasn’t the best option but it was the only thing he had that was quick and easy.

After having quite a few drinks back to back, Tom was soon feeling loopy, mind going hazy from the alcohol. His lips went loose and he lost his filter, now spouting out truthfully with no thought into it.

“I miss him, Karl,” Tom sobbed out. “I loved, I  _ love _ him. I don’t know what I did wrong-”

Karl and Alice sat with him, barely drinking their bottles. They listened and attempted to comfort him.

“Why’d he leave me? I still love him, why can’t it be like before, we were so happy together.”

More tears fell down his cheeks. “I just don’t understand.”

“Come on mate,” Karl attempted to cheer him up. “How ‘bout we play some games to cheer you up? Sound good?”

Tom let out a soft whine. “Jordan plays video games,” he mumbles. “I miss him. I need to hear his voice.” He starts to move. 

“No Tom,” Alice tells him, stopping him from getting up to make his way to his computer. “That’s not gonna help you.”

“I want to hear him again.”

“Mate, we’re trying to get you to move on,” Karl tells him. “It hurts a lot and I have been through it before, but you’ll move forward, we know it.”

It was too painful, knowing Jordan still loved him but had no faith in them at all. He just couldn’t understand what went wrong between them. 

“I can’t forget him, I don’t want to.” He reached to take another swig of his drink, deciding he wasn’t drunk enough.

-.-

“Tom, mate-”

Tom groaned, leaning over his breakfast as he clutched his head. That was why he hated getting drunk, that, and he was never in control of himself. 

“You’ve got to change your lock screen picture.”

An image of his lock screen popped into his mind, not having to think of why he had to change it at all. He hadn’t bothered to change it after the break up, and still currently displayed a picture of him and Jordan out on a date.

“I know,” he mumbled, trying to stomach the food. “I haven’t had the heart to change it yet.”

“Here,” Karl says. “I’ll change it to one of Steve.” He got up to go find his reptile.

“Thanks,” he mumbled softly. 

Alice sat across from him, placing two plates for her and Karl. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel like shit,” he said honestly. “This is why I don’t get drunk.”

“But did it help?”

“I don’t remember anything from last night,” he tells her. “So I don’t know. I didn’t say anything too bad, did I?”

Alice sighs. “So yeah, no it did not help then.”

“I could’ve told you that before I drank away my sorrows.”

“You need to talk about it, Tom,” she tells him seriously. “Holding it in isn't going to help.”

Tom sighs, straightening up and adjusting his position so he isn’t slumped over anymore. 

“I want to understand why Jordan broke it off,” he started slowly. “I thought it was going so well! I didn’t hear doubt in his voice or see a sign that he wanted to break it off.” He breathed out. “Then he starts talking about how our relationship is getting serious but wasn’t going to work out and how he’s doing it for me? It makes no sense!” He sighs, staring right at Alice. “Was it me? Did I do something wrong?” 

“No Tom,” she reassured him. “You didn’t do anything wrong at all, sometimes, relationships just aren’t meant to be.” 

Tom didn’t want to hear that from her. He still thought that things would’ve been amazing between them. 

“It just sounds like to me that he’s afraid of getting serious and settling down, Tom. That doesn’t sound like any of it’s your fault, alright?”

Tom sighed again, thinking about what she said. “I-I guess it makes sense?” He said softly. “Jordan  _ has _ said before that he was afraid of commitment. I just thought that after almost four years together, I might have gotten him to change his mind about it.”

“That’s not something that can easily be changed, Tom,” she tells him. “Especially if it’s because of something that affected him a lot.”

Tom thought of Jordan. What Alice said made sense. 

“You’re right, Alice,” he said softly. “As much as I hate to admit it, you are right.”

“You need to forget about him and move on, alright?”

Tom pursued his lips. He didn’t want to forget him, he still loved him. 

“I know someone that you can have a rebound with,” she suggests.

“No,” he immediately denied. “That ain’t right, using someone for a rebound. I don’t want use someone like that, and I don’t do one night stands either, remember?” 

“No, she knows it’s a rebound, she just got out of a relationship too and is trying to move on,” she tells him. “And it doesn’t have to go anywhere, just go on a date and help each other move on, to just  _ get _ out there again, alright?”

“I don’t know-”

Before Tom could finish, Karl is walking back with his phone and Steve in his other hand. “Alright! Now let’s get a picture of your favorite person in the world and your favorite little buddy,” he said loudly, standing next to Alice.

“Aw,” Alice said with a smile, reaching for Steve.

“Me and Steve!” He grinned, holding Steve next to his face and took a selfie. “Put  _ that _ as your new lock screen!”

Tom managed to let out a laugh as Alice glared at Karl with an offended look. 

-.-

Alice and Karl was always with him. If it wasn’t Karl, it was Alice or one of his other friends. 

They were trying to help him move on, to make sure he was always occupied so he wouldn’t think of him. But even then, they couldn’t help when he had the nagging thoughts in the back of his mind or saw the familiar face in a crowd of strangers.

“So then, Brian was-!”

Tom tuned them out, taking a sip of his drink as he stared off into space, lazily glancing at the other patrons. 

He finds himself freezing, when he sees a man of average-ish height wearing black clothes and a short beard. ‘ _ Jordan? _ ’ 

His looks back, not believing his eyes. 

Tom breathes out, taking a second look and realizes that he hadn’t seen Jordan at all. It made no sense if he did, he should be in LA, not Manchester. 

-.-

Tom still held out some hope. Hope that maybe Jordan would take it back, and they could just be together again like before and he’d get the chance to propose to him and he’d say yes.

But reality would always come crashing down and he’d realize it would never happen. He had to stop getting his hopes up over something that just wouldn’t happen.

No matter how long they were together, how happy they seemed to be, Jordan wouldn’t take him back. 

-.-

Tom let out a sad sigh. He was slumped over, staring at his phone, looking at pictures and old conversations between them. 

He wouldn’t normally do this, but he felt especially bad lately and needed something.

He smiles sadly, seeing a text conversation from a few months ago. 

Jordan had sent him a picture of something he had found that day. 

Me -> Jordan <3 : DUDE! That’s crazy!

Me <\- Jordan <3: I knew you would love it

Me -> Jordan <3: You know me so well <3

“Nope.” Karl plucks his phone right out of his hands, immediately walking off with.

Tom sighed, burying his face in his hands. 

-.-

His heart felt heavy. Jordan was always on his mind, even if he wasn’t consciously thinking of him, he’d find himself thinking about him.

About what they were, about what they were going to be, about what could have been. 

Tom tried to convince himself that everything was fine, just going about his usual routine, same as usual, to just move on. 

But at the end of each day, before he went to sleep, Jordan would be on his mind.

“I’m such a fucking mess.”

-.-

Alice’s words had been on his mind ever since she had spoken them to him. It’s not something he ever considered before. Now more so than ever because of youtube. 

Would it really help though?

Jordan was always on his mind despite everything. He knew he had to move on but he just couldn’t. Jordan had been  _ everything _ to him, and was a rebound really going to help? It helped other people, but would it help him?

Tom would occasionally check up on what Jordan was doing - which probably didn’t help him at all - and he saw that Jordan was completely fine. Now he might’ve been hiding how he really felt but so far, he didn’t seem very bothered.

His heart ached at the thought of him. 

Tom picked up his phone soon after, not wanting to feel the heartbreak anymore.

“Hey Alice?” He said hesitantly.

“Hey Tom.”

“So you uh, really think it’d help? A rebound?”

“It helps some, it might help you,” she says. “My friend’s friend, Tanya, nice girl, likes football and coaches the club for primary school girls. She’s also a foodie and into theater. I could give her a call if you want?”

“That’d be uh, that’d be nice, thanks.” Before he could hang up, Alice says one last thing.

“This will be good for you Tom.”

-.-

Tom was holding back. Tanya was a nice girl, had an interesting life and was nice and engaging. And he tried to act as if it were like any date, trying to bond with them over mutual hobbies and the likes but he still wasn’t ready to move on fully. 

And he knew she was holding back too. 

“Yeah! And he just picked it up and just-” he made the motion of drinking something. “Downed the whole thing!” 

“Oh god!” She laughed. “That’s so bad! Your brother Karl seems like the type to not give a shit!”

“He really isn’t,” he said with a laugh, agreeing with her. 

Honestly, it was more like he was hanging out with a friend rather than being on a date. 

“It reminds me of the time when my sister and I pulled a prank on our older brother,” she started telling the story. “He was  _ not _ happy with us.”

“What happened?” He listened as she told her story. 

-.-

“So? How’d the date go?”

Tom came back pretty late that day after meeting Tanya. They’d hung out for a while, exchanging stories. “Oh yeah, it was supposed to be a date.”

Alice sighed, shaking her head at him. “I’m guessing it didn’t help?”

“I made a new friend,” he said with a shrug.

-.-

She was one of those friends that he related to well, not because of hobbies but because of experience. And he was really glad that she was his friend. 

“He used to do that,” Tanya sighed sadly.

“Your ex?” Tom asked her.

“Yeah, Jon would, he was so sweet.”

Tom gave a sad smile. “My ex barely had a romantic bone in his body, but I still loved him all the same.”

“He sounds nice.”

“The greatest,” he thought of Jordan. “I was going to propose to him.”

Tanya stared at him with sympathy. 

-.-

Tom had uploaded a video to his vlog channel, telling everyone what had happened and why he stopped recording. He saw that Jordan hadn’t said anything about it and decided that he should take it into his own hands to tell them.

That, and he needed a reason why he just suddenly disappeared from the internet for a few weeks. 

Having a new friend in Tanya helped him realize things though.

Jordan was everything to him, yes, but he couldn’t keep moping around, keeping his head in the past. It shouldn’t matter that he was going to propose to him, that would just lengthen the moving on process by a bit but not by forever. 

He was the type to think positively and move forward, so he had to move on. Tom also knew that his family was very worried for him and practically coddled him, but he was a grown adult and he couldn’t let an ex get him down.

-.-

Tom finds himself going to the bars more often, not to drink but to just have a good time having chats with random strangers and just having fun in general. He goes outside more often, seeing everything, and spends less time indoors streaming video games. 

His friends invite him places and he goes everytime. 

They certainly help get his mind off of Jordan during the rare times he isn't able to forcibly make himself forget.

And he’d been seriously slacking on making videos and streams, he needed to catch up on that. 

-.-

Tom doesn’t feel in the mood for whatever crazy adventure they had in mind that day, but he just smiles, loudly exclaiming that he was all for it. 

-.-

Tom sees everyone laughing loudly, clinking their glasses together and just generally having a good time. They all looked happy to be there.

Tom pushes all thoughts of Jordan to the back of his mind. He grins along with them and tells a joke just to go along with everyone else. 

He sees Karl glance at him, smiling to himself. 

-.-

Tom meets a girl.

She’s beautiful and she’s amazing. They get along pretty well despite knowing each other for only a few hours. When he asks her out, she says yes. 

During their date Friday night, Tom’s mind isn’t wandering to someone else. And he does not compare her to that same person either. And when they part with a kiss, he definitely isn't thinking about how there should be stubble instead of a smooth face, hard muscles instead of soft curves, nor that his fingers should be tangled in short hair instead of long.

He gets her number and she leaves, expecting a call back soon.

-.-

Tom continues to smile. But it’s more for everyone else than it is for him.

Eventually, Tom manages to convince even himself that everything is fine. 

But a message comes in one day bringing everything down again. 

Me <\- Jordan: Do you want me to ship you your stuff back or will you come pick it up?

Tom broke down again. He barely read the message, but seeing Jordan’s name on his phone again had all the memories and feelings rushing back to him again. 

“Tom?”

He barely registered Karl’s voice from his front door. They were supposed to play some games together but how could he now?

“Tom? What’s wrong mate?” Karl glanced at his phone which had still been left on. “Is this about-? I thought you were over him already.” He picked up his phone, reading the message. 

Tom didn’t say anything at first, face in his hands. He hated that other people saw how down he was but he couldn’t help it. “I was going to ask him to marry me, Karl,” he managed to say without his voice shaking. “But he broke it off before I could say anything.” He removed his hands, looking up to see a look of pity on his face. “He said that long distance relationships didn’t work, that we should just be friends, and that he was doing it for  _ me. _ ” Tom scoffed, eyes still watering. “I still can’t see how all this is for me when he said he still loved me.”

“He said he still loved you?”

He nods, staring off blankly to the side. “And then he said it wasn’t going to work out,” he huffed. “Fat lot love does for you,” he muttered.

“ _ Mate, _ ” he took a seat next to him, looking him right in the eyes. Tom reluctantly looked up at him when he heard his eager tone. “You hear that? He said still  _ loves _ you, you still have a chance with him!”

Tom stared at him oddly, looking as if he grew a second head. “The hell do you mean? I don’t still have a chance with him, you’re bonkers.”

“Exes don’t just stay friends you know,” he says. “And I mean  _ actual _ friends, not just on friendly terms. You know how the saying goes, exes that stay friends are either still in love with each other or never loved each other in the first place. Jordan still clearly loves you, which means he doesn’t want to lose you.”

“So? He still isn’t going to go for another shot at our relationship, I know him.”

“Then you have to make him see it, Tom. Make him see why he loved you and  _ why _ he went into the relationship in the first place. Most of all, make him see that you’re willing to do everything for him.”

“ _ How? _ ”

Karl smirked, staring at his phone. “I know how.”

“What are you doing?”

“There.”

Tom snatched his phone back, staring at what Karl sent him.

Me -> Jordan: I’ll come pick it up, I’ve been looking for a new apartment and will be back around January to move everything. 

“In January, you’ll be  _ friends _ and you’ll have him help you move in to your new place. And you’ll be closer to him again like back then and from there,” he paused, grinning. “You’ll get him back.”

“I don’t know,” he said unsurely. “I don’t think it’ll work Karl.”

“You’re not gonna know if you don’t find out.”

Tom thought about it. “And Sarah?”

Karl stared at him. “ _ Mate _ , it was  _ one _ date, it’s normal not to call back after a single date. She’ll know that you weren’t interested in having another one.”

“I swear Karl, if this doesn't work-” he already got his hopes up once, he doesn’t want this to be another time where it fails him.

“It’ll work, don’t worry.”

-.-

“You’re helping me find a new place.” Tom had until January to find and buy a new apartment in  _ LA _ of all places. It wasn’t going to be easy, especially finding one that he’ll like at a good price, because he’ll be needing it when he goes over there for conventions and things. 

“Alright.” 

It took weeks to find a good place. A lot of the ones he found were too far from Jordan’s place, in bad neighborhoods, too expensive, too small, or a variety of other reasons. 

One day, mid-December, when he was looking at apartments, he got a call.

“Tom! Buddy!” 

“Hey Craig, how are you?”

“I’m good, I’m good. Hey, listen, so I’m having a New Year’s party at my place and was wondering if you wanted to come? It’ll be a bunch of my friends - mainly youtuber friends - there and I wanted to invite you too.”

“Uuh,” he thought about it. Usually, he would have immediately said yes, but it was new year’s. He usually spent it with Jordan but now that they weren’t together anymore, his family wanted him there with him - but he knew it was so he wouldn’t be alone. 

“But I will say though,” Craig says before he could continue. “Jordan is going to be there too, and I didn’t want to-”

“Yes.”

“Make things awkward between you when- wait, what? You’ll go?”

“I said yes, I’ll go.”

“Oh uh, party starts at 8.”

“Alright, thanks man.” Craig didn’t hang up yet. “You okay? You haven’t hung up yet.”

“Well uh,” he said curiously. “Are you uh, are you and Jordan okay? You seemed a bit eager to go when I told you he’d be there.”

“Of course we’re okay, why wouldn't we be?”

After a moment, Craig continued. “Jordan’s the one that broke it off, wasn’t he?”

Tom didn’t say anything.

“Dude-”

“ _ Hey, _ Jordan said he still loved me, it’s not weird, Craig.”

“Alright then,” he said in an unsure tone. He was judging him so hard, Tom could tell. “I’ll see you there.”

“See you.”

-.-

Tom finds an apartment not long after the phone call with Craig. He’s calling the landowners for it and soon, he gets it. And he’s able to move in as soon as before the new year.

He stays there when he goes to Craig's new years party. He eats something small, knowing that he’s only going to be doing one thing the entire time he’s there. 

Me <\- Craig: Jordan’s here

Tom grinned.

Me -> Craig: thanks

He took off for the party.

-.-

Craig greets him when he gets there. “I still think it’s a bit weird, but hey, I’m rooting for you man.”

“Let’s hope he actually talks to me.”

“Foods on the dining table and he’s in the living room.”

“Thanks again Craig!” Tom walks off, moving through the house to find him. 

When Tom spots him, he smiles. Jordan looked as amazing as ever. 

“Jordan!” He moves closer to him, standing next to him. He sees that the people he was with were slightly uncomfortable, no doubt knowing he and Jordan were exes. “Hey man! It’s been awhile!”

“Uh yeah,” Jordan nods. “It has.”

“Hey, I saw that you did the youtube rewind thing on Instagram,” Tom stared at him, trying to act as if everything was fine. “Dude! That was so cool.” Because if Jordan wanted a friend, he’d get that friend; specifically the one who had made him fall in love in the first place.

“Uh thanks.” Jordan sounded a bit uneasy, but Tom ignored that.

“Be honest, how long were you in a chair getting the makeup done? Two, three hours?” 

Jordan let out a chuckle. “Oh man, if you think that’s enough, I’ve got news for you.”

“What? How long does it take? Come on, I can take it,” he joked. 

“I was in makeup for 6 hours.” 

Tom scrunched up his face, breathing out. “Oof,  _ man _ that  _ long? _ Rough mate.”

“Well yeah,” he shrugged. “But hey, gotta do what you gotta do. At least I got in youtube rewind.”

“Man, I wish I could be in one.”

“Hey, move back to LA and maybe you can.”

That kinda cut deep but Tom just laughed, seeming as if he wasn’t bothered by it. He was there, not as an ex, but as Jordan’s long-time friend. He couldn’t let things get awkward and chase him away. He  _ needed _ to get Jordan to see that they were still amazing together.

-.-

Eventually, Tom got Jordan to act more comfortable with him. And they were able to freely talk with no tension between them. 

It went so well in fact, that Jordan hadn’t left his side the entire time he was there. It was just the two of them talking and he  _ loved _ it. 

“Hey! Less than a minute to midnight!” Tom exclaimed. 

They both were stood outside, already watching as people were setting fireworks off. People were paired off - couples mostly - and watching the sky. 

“Yeah,” Jordan said softly. 

_ “Ten!” _

“I love the fireworks in America, it’s always so grand.”

_ “Nine!” _

“It’s not like that in England?”

_ “Eight!” _

“Nowhere near American standards.”

_ “Seven!” _

Tom glanced at him. “You’ve seen it before-”

_ “Six!” _

“-you don’t remember it?”

_ “Five!” _

“No, we were inside most of the time.” 

_ “Four!” _

“Oh yeah.” 

_ “Three!” _

…

_ “Two!” _

Jordan and Tom glanced up at the sky. 

_ “One!” _

Tom was glad he could share this day with him again, even if it wasn’t like the other days. Just being with him made everything feel a little better.

_ “Happy New Year!” _

The fireworks went off and couples went in to kiss each other for their first kiss of the new year. 

Tom loved fireworks, it was always so beautiful. He glanced at Jordan who had been watching the sky. But it still could never compare to him. 

“Beautiful,” he muttered to himself, sighing happily. 

It was a while before the fireworks settled down. 

“Happy new year buddy.” 

Jordan looked at him and shook his hand. “Happy new year, Tom.”

-.-

Tom was glad he went. 

He still misses Jordan but seeing him in person again, knowing that they are on good terms, made everything feel better. Perhaps Karl  _ was _ right, maybe he still had a chance to get Jordan back. 

“So?” Karl stared at him with expectant look.

Tom grinned. “You’re the fucking best!” 

Karl grinned. “Told you!” He says cheerfully. “Now, all you have to do is to play the waiting game and do just what you did before you two started dating, and you have him again!” 

Tom smiles, breathing out happily. He didn’t want to wait, but he would if that meant he could still be with him.

-.-

“It’s almost move in day, you asked Jordan yet?”

“Not yet.” 

Karl picked up his phone and pressed it into his hands. “Text him now, don’t wait too long, yeah?” 

“Okay, will do.” Tom opened up his messages and started to text Jordan. 

Me -> Jardon(draft): Hey, you said you still had my things?

“Is that fine, oh wise leader?” 

Karl just shook his head at him. slightly amused. He tapped send for him. “Perfect.”

Me -> Jardon: How many boxes do I have?

Me <\- Jardon: 3 boxes

“Now what?”

“Ask to help you move them. You want to spend time with him, don’t you?” 

Me -> Jardon: I’ll be back in LA next week

Me -> Jardon: And uh, if it isnt too much trouble, can you help me out with taking the things to my new place?

There was a short pause. “Uh oh,” he was, slightly worried. “Why isn’t he replying?”

Me <\- Jardon: sure

Tom let out a breath of relief. 

Me -> Jardon(Draft): Awesome! Thanks <3

Before Tom pressed send, Karl swiped away his phone. “Whoa, mate!” 

“What?” Tom looked at him in confusion.

“A heart is a bit too soon.” He deleted a few things and added some stuff. 

“But I text you and Alice that all the time?”

Karl doesn’t say anything. “Better.” He handed him his phone back.

Me -> Jardon: Awesome! Thanks buddy!

-.-

“Do you think giving Jordan a copy of the key to my apartment is weird?” 

“Yes,” Alice says without hesitation.

“Depends, why?” Karl asked.

“I still have his key so-” he trailed off.

“He hasn’t asked for it back?” Alice asked curiously.

“No.”

“Then yeah, I guess it’s fine.”

-.-

Before Tom had gotten on the plane, he had texted Jordan when his arrival time was and immediately texted him when his plane landed. 

Tom eagerly waited at the pick-up area, excited to see Jordan again. His hand held the strap of his backpack as he grinned when he saw Jordan’s car approaching. 

“Hey Jordan!” He greeted with a big smile, getting inside. “Thanks for doing this.”

“No problem,” he said with a smile. “I had a bit of free time.”

“I still really appreciate it.” Tom stared at him with a smile.

“So where are we headed?” 

Tom tells him the directions and Jordan drives his way there. 

Tom chats with him, making conversation as they approach his place.

Jordan occasionally interrupts, asking for more specific directions. 

Tom sees that they are almost there, a bit sad that he didn’t have much more time with him. They stop. 

“Help me carry it up?” He asked with a hopeful look on his face. He didn’t want him to leave yet. 

“Sure, it isn’t much anyway.”

Jordan locks his car, helping Tom take the three boxes up. He takes two while Tom takes the last one, leading him to his new place.

They get to the third floor and Tom stops in front of 312. He digs through his pocket and pulls out a key and unlocks his door. He pushes it open and flicks on the light. 

“You can put it on the table,” Tom stepped aside, letting Jordan in first.

“Well, it was nice seeing you,” Jordan greeted him.

“Thanks again for helping me.” Tom watches as Jordan makes his way to the door. He forces something out, realizing he had almost forgotten something. 

“Uh wait, Jordan.”

Jordan stops, looking at him.

“Something wrong?”

“Uh well,” he hesitated, trying to make up an excuse to give him a key without making it weird. “You know how I am with keys-”

“Yeah?” 

“Can you hold onto a copy of the key? You know-” he stumbled over his words, hoping Jordan didn’t notice that he was saying practically anything. “And it’s kind of only fair since I still have a key to your place.”

“Uh okay.”

Tom beamed. He held out the key he had used to open the door. “Here, I already have one on my keychain.”

Jordan took it from him, fingers brushing against his hand. “Bye Tom.”

“See yeah later, Jordan!” Tom greeted with a big smile, unable to stop how fast his heart was beating or the red flush on his face.

-.-

Tom feels as though now was an appropriate time to just start texting him again. He doesn’t contact him nearly as much as before but just being able to do it again was still pretty good. 

Tom stares at the reply, letting out a laugh. 

Me <\- Jardon: Oh yeah? That won’t compare to my racking man story.

He just loved that they were able to text like this again.

-.-

Tom is on instagram when he sees Jordan post about his new car. “Holy shit,” he mutters under his breath as he stares at it. “It’s god damn beautiful.”

“What?” Alice asked curiously. 

“Jordan’s new car,” Tom said. “It’s a beaut!”

“What’d he get?” Karl peered over at his phone.

“Ford GT, miami blue,” Tom stared at it with a smile. “Think I could get a ride if I asked?”

“Wouldn’t it be a bit weird?” Alice pondered.

“I don't care! Look at this car!”

“I think it’s weird to ask your ex for a ride,” Alice said again.

“I’m asking!” Tom pulled up a message, sending it to Jordan. “And it’s soon-to-be-not-ex, by the way.”

“Uh huh,” Alice nods. 

Me -> Jardon: Couldn’t help but notice that GT you have

“There! I sent it.”

“If he says yes, you can spend more time with him,” Karl noted.

“It’ll be like old times,” he said with a grin.

Me <\- Jardon: Yeah?

Me -> Jardon: wanna do me a solid?

Me <\- Jardon: And what would that be?

Me -> Jardon: I’m gonna be LA next week for a while. Can I get a tour with the Ford GT?

“Now lets see if he says yes.”

Me <\- Jardon: I knew you were just using me for my cars.

Me -> Jardon: haha you caught me

Me -> Jardon: So how about it?

Me <\- Jardon: Sure, sunday good?

“Yes!” Tom cheered happily. He could hardly contain his excitement as he typed out a reply. 

Me -> Jardon: Definitely!

“I’m gonna go start packing now!” 

“You still have three days!” 

“Don’t care!”

-.-

Tom still had his apartment there in LA, so he really didn’t need to pack all that much except for a laptop and a camera for recording and editing, plus other basic stuff. 

He was ready to go to LA and meet Jordan. Although, he was going to his apartment via an uber instead of asking Jordan. He would have liked to spend a bit more time with him but he didn’t want to push his luck. 

Besides, they were both very busy people and while he made it his mission to spend time with Jordan when he was there, he still had things to do.

-.-

Tom had gotten a ride to Jordan’s place early in the morning, because he had said that the earlier they leave, the better. 

Jordan had also mentioned that he was going to work out right after and invited him to join him. It wasn’t something he really wanted to do - because  _ ow, _ pain - but it allowed him more time with Jordan so he said yes. 

So he basically is going to spend the entire day with him, which is pretty damn amazing. Except that Jordan already had plans for dinner but he was the one to invite him for lunch and a workout, so Tom is still going to call that a success. 

Both he and Jordan had been recording during their drive - his daily vlog and Jordan’s car podcast - and while they couldn’t talk about certain things, it was still time he had with him. 

One time though, he had the chance to bring up an old topic. Something that he wasn’t sure that would settle well but he knows that Jordan was comfortable around him again and he needed to get him to start thinking about him in a more romantic sense again. 

So Tom said it, he brought up “syndisparklez,” carefully observing his reaction without making it too obvious. 

Jordan doesn’t visibly react. He replies calmly, acting like he did with all the other questions. 

He calls this another success. Knowing Jordan was comfortable talking about that, he’s probably going to be okay with Tom flirting with him again.

At least, he hopes he will be.

-.-

When he posts the video, he doesn’t expect the reaction from his comment session.

_ Are you and Jordan back together, Tom? _

_ Jardon’s back!!  _

_ think theyre baxk together??? _

_ They're so in love!! _

_ #syndisparklezconfirmed _

Tom had been aware of their initial reaction to their breakup. A lot of them were distraught and very supportive of him. Although, he isn’t sure if he should reply to them or not.

Eventually, he decides not to, hoping they won’t go bother Jordan about it. Because he doesn't want to scare him off with all comments about it, and potentially ruin his chances with him.

-.-

During the time Tom was in LA, he had been able to hang out with Jordan on several occasions. They were getting closer and Tom felt as if he really had a chance.

Most times, it was just the two of them either hanging out at Jordan’s house or having lunch together. On some occasions though, they were out with friends hanging out at a club or some party.

“Is that your friend?”

Tom glances over at a woman who was staring over at him, stealing an occasional look or two away at someone. “What?” The club was dimly lit, music loud so he could barely hear her.

“I saw you came with him, is he available?”

Tom follows her gaze, seeing that she was staring right at Jordan. He tenses, pursuing his lips as he slightly narrowed his eyes at her. “No, he’s not.” Tom knows he’s not subtle but he doesn’t care.

Jordan isn’t one to really do relationships or one night stands, so Tom doubts she has a chance anyway. But he's not about to let some other person get the opportunity to get him to change his mind too.

-.-

When Tom goes back to England, the first night back, he finds himself dreaming of him. 

He’s always thought of him everyday since their breakup; what it had been like to wake up next to him, having breakfast with him, having late nights on the couch as they just watched marathons together, playing video games, and their dates out at night. He had it during the mornings and nights and just the occasional thought that crossed his mind throughout the day. 

He fondly thinks of a time when they could be together again. He still doesn’t know the reason behind Jordan’s decision but whatever it is, he’ll fix it if it means getting him again.

-.-

When getting back from a trip, his mind wanders over to Mianite and all his old minecraft series. It was a time when he and Jordan had still been together. 

They were good times. 

In the past year, he had been avoiding minecraft  _ because _ it reminded him of those times. But in recent times, with how it was going with Jordan lately, he thinks that he could handle playing it again.

Besides, he’s missed playing it.

-.-

**Jordan Maron: LET’S PLAY SOMETIME**

Tom smiles when he sees the tweet. 

Playing minecraft together, Tom thinks, would be the closest hr could get to back then. 

-.-

When Jordan stops his usual reddit videos in exchange for Minecraft videos, he takes this as a sign. A sign that fate is practically setting everything up for them. 

Me -> Jardon: You still up for recording minecraft videos? 

Me <\- Jardon: Yeah, when are you free?

Me -> Jardon: Thursday okay?

Me <\- Jardon: Yeah, definitely

-.-

“Just like old times.” Tom grins widely, unable to hide the excitement he had for playing with him again. “ _ God _ it feels so good to be playing minecraft with you again. It's been so long.”

“It  _ has _ been awhile, hasn’t it?” Jordan noted.

-.-

Tom’s glad to be back in a routine where he gets to be in regular contact with Jordan again. Even if Jordan doesn’t want him back, Tom thinks that this would be more than enough.

But he’s still going to be devastated if he doesn’t.

-.-

After they finished up one of their recording sessions, like always, they have a post-talk.

“Hey, Tom?” 

This time though, their topic was a bit different.

“Yeah?” Tom said, half-paying attention as he closed up the setup for his recordings and Minecraft. 

“What are you doing,” he says in a serious tone. 

There was a small pause. “What?” He asks in a slightly confused tone. That caught him off guard, Jordan had said it out of nowhere. 

“I know what you’re doing,” Jordan continued. 

Slowly though, Tom realizes what he meant. 

“With how you’ve been acting lately. But  _ why _ are you doing it?” Jordan had been talking about how recently, Tom was starting to flirt with him again.

“So you’ve uh, noticed, huh?” He says a bit quieter. He was nervous. Jordan didn’t seem to react well to it.

“Of course I’ve noticed. Why are you still flirting with me? We aren’t together anymore.”

“Can you really blame me though?” Tom says softly. “We were together for almost four years, we worked amazingly well together, and as far as I knew, there wasn’t anything wrong between us until those last few months.” He still didn’t understand why Jordan had broken up with him. “Jordan,” he took a short pause, breathing in to calm his nerves. “I miss you.”

“But we’re talking right now Tom, we’re friends now, we still have each other.” He didn’t seem to get it. 

“But that’s not enough for me. I’m still in love with you, Jordan,” he was pouring his heart out on the table, hoping that Jordan would see how genuine was being and understand how he truly felt. “My feelings for you hasn’t changed since we broke up and I know you still love me too.” At least, he hopes Jordan still loved him; their viewers, Karl, and a few of his other friends seemed convinced that he still was. “Can’t we just try this out again? I’ll do better, I’ll do  _ anything _ to have you back _. _ ” Tom was desperate. 

“Tom, none of that matters now.” 

Tom felt his heart break for the second time, tears welling up in his eyes. 

“And I told you, we’re better off as friends.”

Tom said nothing for a moment, choking back a sob. He needed recollect himself enough to speak. “I-,” he hesitated, wondering if he should bring up plan b, but it was his only hope so he had to. “I got you something a few months before we broke up.” He stood up to get it. “Here, I’ll send you a picture and tell me if you still want it.” He texts him the picture.

“I got it,” he says after a moment.

Tom is silent. He could hear his blood rushing through his body, heart pounding loudly in his ears. Jordan's silence worried him, he didn’t know what to make of it. Was it good? Was it bad? He could only wait to hear his answer.

“You were going to propose me?” Jordan spoke softly, full of emotions. He sounded shocked.

“Yes I was,” Tom told him. “All the traveling and business is nice and all but you were the one keeping me going; if you had told me what was on your mind, I would have gladly dropped everything for you.”

Jordan’s hesitance gave him hope. It told him that Jordan was considering it, that he still had a chance that they could get back together. That Tom would have the most important person to him back in his life. 

“So?” Tom says, sounding slightly hopeful. “Do you still want it?”

“I-” he paused. “No, I don’t want it.”

His heart dropped.

Tom swallowed hard, he could feel himself crying, on the verge of breaking down. “Okay,” his voice dripped with disappointment, sadness very obvious. He tried all he could to hold on a bit more before he broke down crying. “Just give me some time and I’ll be the friend you wanted,” his voice broke over the word friend. It was hard to keep it all in. “The crazy, fun-loving Tom with no romantic feelings attached.” That was more for convincing himself everything was fine than anything. “I’ll-” he stops, breathing in to calm himself. He couldn’t hold it in anymore. 

He’s just lost him for the final time, because he knows he won’t be able to bare speaking to Jordan anymore. He won’t be able to contain himself around him, not after all that had happened between them. 

For the last time, he says, “Bye Jordan.”

“Bye Tom.”

Tom ends the call, breaking down.

-.-

There was no updates in videos or any of his social media. He didn’t have the energy to post something, make a video or a stream, or even click upload. He had been convinced that he was able to get Jordan back, but clearly, that didn’t happen.

“Do you want me to call Karl? So you two get drinks?”

“Tell Karl to fuck off,” he said blankly, eyes puffy and red from all the crying he had done.

It was his fault. He had convinced Tom that he still had a chance with Jordan. Which got his hopes up and broke him down even more. 

-.-

“I should return the ring,” Tom muttered, face buried in his hands. He’d been thinking this over for a few days and he really didn’t have a use for it anymore. “But I think it’s too late.” After all, it’d been over a year since he had got it.

Alice doesn’t say anything, rubbing his back in comfort. 

Toms sighs. He barely registers his phone ringing, Alice picking it up to go answer it a room over. He didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.

She returns soon after.

“Tom?” She says hesitantly, hand over the microphone as she spoke softly. “It’s Jordan-” Tom looks at her, looking confused. Why would he call back so soon? Or ever for that matter? “He said he needs to speak to you. Do you want me to hang up or-?”

Tom thought for a moment. He considered telling her yes, but he needed to know why he was calling. “No I’ll uh,” he stops, extending his hand so he can get it from her.

Tom hesitates as he holds it up to his ear. He doesn’t say anything at first, not sure what to expect. “Jordan?” He mumbled as Alice walked to the next room to give him privacy. 

“Tom, hi.”

“Hi, uh, Alice said you wanted to tell me something?” 

“Yeah, there was,” Jordan starts. There was a short pause. “Tom, I’m sorry.”

Tom furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, not sure what he was getting at. “What?” He asked, slightly confused. 

“What I said,” he clarified. “I’m sorry. I thought about it again, and I realized I was making a mistake.” 

Tom started to smile, feeling some hope once again. What Jordan was saying, it really sounded like Jordan was going to give them another chance. 

“You were right, we should work it out.” He pauses. “If you uh, still want of course.”

“Of course I do,” Tom immediately said, smiling widely. 

“And uh, that gift you mentioned earlier?” He said slowly.

Tom’s thoughts go to the ring. 

“I do still want it.”

Tom breathed out. He wore a big smile on his face. 

“I’ll go to LA to come see you-”

“No,” Jordan cut him off, catching him off guard. “Stay put, I’ll go there.”

They end their call and Tom is still wearing a big smile in his face. Things ended up going well for him and he couldn’t be happier.

“Alice!” Tom shouted for her. “Come help me clean up, Jordan’s coming over!”


End file.
